| I wrote this last night in bed. |
[02 Jan 2006|06:42pm] |
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music |
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Natalie Imbruglia - Beauty on the Fire |
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I am lying in my sister's bed, in a bra and hello-kitty underwear, with my hair all messed up, and my cheeks wet with tears. I wish that someone would take a picture, because this is me. The real me is not very strong... the real me is vulnerable. And the real me is confused.
All around the room my stuff is askew. I will finish packing it up tomorrow, when I will leave to go back to my dorm room at Mac. I have been home for two weeks, but the time has gone by so fast and slipped right through my fingers. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go back to that miserable little room.
Most of all, I am STUCK. I want to stand still, to try to figure things out, but everything and everyone else keep moving on and I know that if I don't force myself along with the parade that I will only get trampled. I am in a position right now where that is exactly what it feels like- I just can't stop, as much as I want to, and that's why I hate it so. How can I keep marching along, attending school, when I am only digging myself this hold that is getting harder to get out of? It already seems as though it is too late to turn around. If I stop school to take some time to figure out what the hell to do with myself, I'll lose all my scholarship money and put a much larger financial burden on myself and my family if I decide to go back at a time when I am more ready.
What is all the fuss about? What's the big deal? I don't know what to do with my life... I keep changing my mind, and I end up feeling hopeless about any of my temporary-dreams that may seem too ambitious. I feel like I have been born with this character flaw of indecisiveness that I cannot shake off. I can hardly ever even decide what to eat. Some people tell me it's not a big deal to not know what you want to be yet, but it is to me. I'm already 18- so many people have accomplished so much by now and all I can say for myself is that I am STUCK.
Tomorrow, I don't want to leave my family. I will miss them too much and I know that I'll be homesick. How did I ever get so attached? Moving away has made us all closer in many ways, but I did not at all gain the emotional independece that I thought I would. I have grown a lot, and I'm able to really take care of myself on my own now, but I need them near-by for me to feel RIGHT- more now than ever before. I don't even understand why I have been so emotional lately. Is it alesse? Should I blame hormones? Or is this really just me- a huge mess, and falling apart?
Jason is my boyfriend, and I am so happy that he has come into my life. Our relationship is so young, but I have never been with someone with whom it is so EASY to just be with. He is emotionally available, open, and mature, and he can also be so cute and goofy. He is musical, practical, talented, romantic, sweet, and never afraid to tell me how he feels about me. He is perfect, and I don't even know if I deserve him. Maybe I'm not used to being in a non-(highly)dysfunctional relationship? All I ask is that he won't let me be the stupid, foolish girl that I can sometimes be- I am crazy about him, and I don't want that to change. But I am so fickle.. I need an extraordinary man who can find ways to keep my feelings for him strong and unwavering. The problem is me- that indecisiveness. Maybe if Jason can fix it in the love-department, maybe it will help me everywhere else in my life?
Because I really need to make a change- that is, to make a choice.
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[18 Dec 2005|10:49pm] |
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Serious journaling coming soon!
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| Weird... |
[18 Jun 2005|11:30pm] |
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music |
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Duff - Hide Away |
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Wow it's been almost a year since I've put an entry in here. I wonder why I stopped? I just skimmed through the last couple of entries I put in and laughed at how much of a loser I was hahaha... it's unbelievable how much changes, and how some things never seem to.
High school is basically done. 3 exams left, then prom, then the after-prom, then grad- then it's all over. And I don't say that in a sad way. I'm not sad at all about high school being over (or maybe it hasn't hit me yet). I'm just so excited about the future, I feel like my life hasn't even really begun yet. I will definitely miss a small handfull of people, and if our paths diverge I won't forget them, but for the most part I'm happy to be parting ways with most of the people in high school. I'm not working at Heritage House anymore... I can't believe that was only a year ago. Now I work for the city, at Erindale. This summer I'm probably gonna go to Portugal, learn to swim, teach myself piano... In September, I'm moving to Hamilton and going to McMaster to study psychology. Essentially, that's the update.
(P) You know, there's nothing like getting your heart broken. It's been soooo long since I let someone in and put myself in that vulnerable position. I truthfully cannot even remember the last time. I had forgotten what it was like to feel like you got a bullet in the chest. I'd forgotten what it was like staying awake all night listening to Mariah Carey, crying silently under the sheets so that no one would hear. It all happens so fast when you fall for someone, and ends even faster. I know how much he cares about me, and both of us were scared by how incredible this love was becoming, but I guess both of us reacted to the fear differently. I don't ever remember feeling like this about someone, and as fearful as I was I embraced it and took the leap of faith. It's not that I hadn't been ready for love, it's just that NO ONE has ever come along that made me feel like that. That's why for the past couple of years no guy has ever been able to really hurt me, because the connection wasn't powerful enough to cause me pain if it were severed; and usually, I'd be the one to break things off because I don't like to waste time on dead-end relationships. But with this guy, I wanted to make it work although the distance between us created a challenge. But he wasn't ready, and he had to stop everything, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Everything was going awesome, he was so intruiged by me and i felt the same. But now that I look back on what happened this week, I'm thankful. Yes, I'm still hurting. Sometimes I still ache when "one of those songs" comes on the radio. But I'm thankful that he made me FEEL- whether it be bliss or misery. Although he is an amazing guy, I think I was giving him more credit than he deserved, and more of my affection than he deserved- I think I just wanted to be in love with anyone who was eligible, and that not all of it was to do with him. He thinks I will wait for him while he works his own life out, but he really hasn't anything huge to deal with that I can see- and I see it as that he thinks its okay to put me aside because he's, when really he doesn't realize that doing this is one of the biggest mistakes he's ever made. At first, I thought he did this because I was undeserving, but really, he is the one who is undeserving. He said things had to cool off and slow down, and we should just be friends for now, but he keeps on calling me and things don't really seem that different. I pray that he won't tell me that he is regretting what he did and wants things to go back to the way they were, because I don't know if I have the strength to say no to him, but I do know that I want to be able to say no. I want to learn from this experience and move on. I don't want to be alone, but if I'm going to be with someone seriously they have to really appreciate me and show me that they won't give me up- and someone I can do the same for.
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| you made me human after all |
[05 Mar 2004|11:58pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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Natalie Imbruglia - Cold Air |
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Ok I need to vent about some people and some things, in no particular order of importance or frustration, and hopefully no one will be able to figure out who i'm talking about:
(P) Teenage lust is a crazy thing. It's like you get submerged in what you think is this bottomless sea of love. The water is so blinding that you think the person you're with was made for you. Even when the flaws and problems are evident, you change what you believe in to adapt to that person, so that everything will be sunshine and dandelions. But eventually the fancy beginning stage of a relationship wears off, and that's when you find out what you really feel. I found out. I found out I was wasting my time. Well, it was quite an experience, so I wouldn't say totally wasted. But in that little lusty sea I suddenly hit the bottom and I just had to laugh at myself. How I could I pretend not to see how far I was being dragged down by a person without a hope in hell. No hobbies, no interests, no job, no car.... a meaningless life that revolved around smoking, wrestling, and video games. What was I thinking? It was a harsh end, but he deserved it. Thank you God.
(M.R) I really don't like to resent people at all. It makes me sick when I don't like people. I really do try. I have tried for two years to like you, just like everyone else does. Or at least they pretend to like you when you're around. That's what I don't get?? EVERYONE knows you're a fucking liar, who lies about anything and everything for no god damn reason. They ALL talk shit about you. But yet when you appear they suddenly and temporarily let the grudge go when they see you.I just don't understand. But I won't be a part of it. Hearing your voice makes me sick. I feel stupid about it, cuz I wish you didn't have the power to bother me at all. It's not that I'm jealous, it's just that you make everyone I know look like walking hypocrites. Ugh...
(Mom) I've found this weird new found respect for my mom. I love her so much. So,so, so much. Thank God for my mum. I've been much closer with her lately, and I know she's been so tainted by this life and she's nothing like what she used to be. But she's still such a loving, caring person. Honest and hardworking. I dunno... I just love you mom.
(R.C) You seem like a nice guy. You flatter me so much, careful you don't blow up my ego. I just don't feel the same way. Sorry about your nana. I know what it's like.
(M.S) After that little convo I know that things are nothing like they used to be. They will never be how they used to be. You've changed so much, and moved away from me. Or maybe it's me who's moved away by standing still. I think the connection is still there, underlying somewhere, but we can't feel it anymore.
(M.S-f) You're so cute. I have a feeling like you're the kinda guy I should like. Funny, and smart enough to challenge me. A good heart. And you have soft hair. Hopefully something will happen, I dunno. I don't know if I wanna get back in relationships for a while. When I start to think about you, I get anxious to see you. But when I see you, I just want to run away. Hahaha... We'll see I suppose.
(M.G) Someone who I thought was a very close friend has proved not to be. Just a selfish show off. Doing whatever makes her look good. I don't mean it that much I guess. You have your moments where you show some compassion for others. But you direct all your compassion toward the one person who doesn't reciprocate it back anymore, and don't realize all the good friends you have around you.
(Rosa & Lila) Call me a dork but I love these two old elementary school teachers. Went to visit them the other day. Hadn't seen them since November. I can talk to those women like good old friends. They're always so insightful and caring, and they give such good advice. I'm thankful that whenever I need to talk to them, all I have to do is walk down the street over to St. Catherines, no matter if I was there the day before or hadn't went and visited them for months. They're always happy to see me, and it feels nice for a change. They seem so proud of me, and always surprised of how much i've grown up. And it's amazing how many kids in the halls know my name and come up to me and hug me. I wonder how could they possibly remember?? I feel bad because I don't know many of them. The teachers told me I really made a mark on my elementary school because I excelled so much in my work, I always helped out, and was kind to everyone. Always doing fundraisers or speeches. It's true I guess. It's not as easy to make a mark in high school... I don't even wanna imagine in university and later on in life. Walking down the hall I feel so isolated. Nothing like the friendly smiles and warm hugs i got, and still get, at St Catherines. But that's life I guess, right? All those best friend forever promises, are 99% of them always broken?
(The Butterfly Effect)
Change one thing- Change everying.
Every cause has it's effect.
I think it's the best movie I've ever seen. Totally struck a chord with me. I could probably talk about this movie for an hour. But I'll spare you. Just watch it.
"There is no such thing as chance, only patterns we do not understand"
"Chaos will have it's way"
-Harlan Edison
(The Passion)
Very powerful and movie. I think I'm gonna go to church this Sunday. Not so much that I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but the film reminded me how much Jesus suffered. And if the Bible is true, then I owe him a few Sundays of worship for what he did for me. I don't really know if I'm a christian, I gotta think about it. Being godless is almost as bad as these propaganda religions. I figure there's a 50/50 chance. I won't devote my life towards it, but it can't hurt to have a little faith, and say some prayers. With a 50% chance of carly hearing them, the odds aren't too bad.
(Natalie Imbruglia)
I love your music so much. Thank you for being an amazing songwriter. Thank you for being Australian. Hopefully I can meet you one day. I'm on a parallel wavelength with this little lady and I know it.
(Princess Diana)
For a long time I forgot how much of an idol this woman was to me. Read a book about her and it just made me so emotional I started bawling. I got another one today that I'm gonna read tonight. This girl put on a smile for the whole world for many years, despite having to live under the pressures of the media, not fitting in with the royal family, a cold, distant and unfaithful husband. She was in a dead end life yet she devoted her time to helping the sick and poor. What an amazing woman. The best the British Monarchy would ever have. Why did she have to die? She should still be here. I know I'm not the only one, but as long as I'm around you will be remembered. Tomorrow I'm going to see the Diana exhibition thing downtown.
Then band practice
Then off to see M.S-f
Then snowboarding/skiing
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| are you as good as i remember baby? |
[14 Feb 2004|02:17pm] |
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music |
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Emma Bunton - 2 Become 1 |
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hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....
its been like a month! anywho! First of all.. a few days ago was the big staind, 3 days grace/ nickelback concert. AMAZING! Fucking amazing. I loved it. Best concert I've been to for sure. Staind were OK, not too entertaining. 3 Days grace were amazing live... definitely gotta go out and buy their record. And nickelback? Incredible. My sister thought they were lip singing or something because they sounded SOO good. They are amazing live performers. The opened with flat on the floor and tons of pyro- flames flying in the air. It was SOOO good.
I just woke up a lil while ago and tried catching up on all your entries but i've missed too much! if anything big happened that I missed leave me a message! Things with me and paul are going super awesome. He sent me roses at school yesterday and then there was like a dance at school so we got off early, but we skipped that and went to Matt's house with him and Melissa. We both got home too late and got in shit... and he got in trouble for a huge hickey that mysteriously appeared on his neck *angel face*. i like him A LOTTT... we try to spend as much time together as we can, and we talk to each other for hours on the phone. Hours and hours until we're too sleepy to talk. It's cute. I've never been so open about EVERYTHING with anyone, we have a good connection, so hopefully everything will be good for a long time. I was at melissa's house and she has a photo album with tons of pictures of her and matt from like dozens of places they gone, and I really wanna make an album like that with me and paul but we only have like 2 or 3 pictures together. So i told him and he agreed that we need to take tons of pictures and make an album :) The other day he put his silver necklace around me, he said he likes the way it looks on my skin and i thought that was the nicest gesture. It's little things like that that he does that gives me hope he will keep my feelings strong which some of you may know is mission impossible for most guys.
Anyways! Hope everyone has an awesome valentines day, whether you have a date or not. If you don't, stay home and watch the classic "spice world" ... it will cheer you up! hahaha
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| I am so high, i can hear heaven |
[04 Jan 2004|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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shitty |
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chad kroeger - hero |
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Whats up guys... long time no post. Hope you all had really good holidays and a happy new year. I had a good time. I've been going out with danny now for about 2 weeks but I haven't seen him for a couple of days and I miss him so much that I can't concentrate on my homework and finish it which is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I hate school. Why do I have to go back. It's not fair. Well... it's supposed to snow tonight so I can already feel all the kids praying for a huge snowstorm so that we won't have school tomorrow. That would be a dream come true. I miss danny. A lot. I'll see him tomorrow at school thank god. Well, I'd better go read about plants for my bio homework. Take care everyone!
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[10 Dec 2003|07:38pm] |
Holy shiT! He **kissed** me
Fucking physco!!!
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| i've never been lost, never been found, and it makes no difference if i'm around |
[14 Nov 2003|09:57pm] |
Well I just watched girl interrupted, which is a great movie. I haven't watched it for over year so it was good to see it again. It's a real thought provoking movie. I remember the first time i watched it was yearsss ago. I watched it on new years eve or something. I was sitting down with carly after the family new years countdown and when all the adults were having champagne and what not we just sat down and flipped around the channels on TV. Of course Carly was so small and fell asleep before the opening credits were through. It's a memory I guess. But its good she fell asleep. They say fuck every 45 seconds in that movie. But I love it.
For some reason I notice that times will flare up that I am unable to "attach" to anyone. Not a friend or a guy or a family member. It's like I want to but I don't have enough power over my own mind to do it. Because my head tells me that no one will understand. I used to get attached to anyone so easily. Tell them everything there was to fucking know. I would want to talk to them and hang out with them every second. But of course, doing that makes you vulnerable. Because people change, and when they change sometimes that means they don't want to be so close to certain people anymore. When you're attached to people that really hurts. And another part of being so "honest" was that naturally, some of the assholes in the world took advantage of that trait I had. I thought it was honesty. But it was just stupidity. I was so naive and gave pieces of my heart away for a nickel and would even give them a ten cent refund. So now it's the opposite. Sometimes I feel like I'm really callous, and no one will be able to get through to me. Who can I trust? I think it's almost no one. I trust certain people with certain things, but for the most part- I don't trust anyone with everything about me. When someone knows what button to push to make you scream or make you cry, for some stupid reason, they WILL fucking press it. I don't know why. To feel superior? powerful? smarter? I really don't know. I guess when you've been hurt a lot, you have a natural instinct that the only way to prevent it now is to not open up or attach too much. Every girl and guy and person can seem so nice and trustworthy at first. It ALWAYS starts out like that. But the ending is always the same, sad, damaging one. It makes you learn your lesson. Or at least it did for me
Anywho... I ate so much pizza with Reg I don't think I can eat again for like 6 weeks. TOmorrow I have to wake up early to get my eyes checked again. Hopefully get my dad to take us to the flea market so I can get a bunch of junk to litter the house with. And I have to work. What a bummer. If only I had the guts to quit that shit.
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[09 Nov 2003|02:10pm] |
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mood |
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Led Zep - Stairway to Heaven |
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I just want to first of all, say that I am back in my strange phase of an obsession with listening to the Mamma Mia soundtrack while I clean. It's sucha great soundtrack. I luv it. ** don't go wasting your emotions, lay all your love on me **
OK i have something to rant about. I hate it when people say they don't care about anything. There is a specific person I am talking about, but i won't mention any names. It's just a bastard. Who's too in to drugs to care about anything. One day this person is going to wakeup in the ditch again, and realize that no one gives a shit about him. While he's out partying and drinking and screwing any girl, he doesn't realize his dignity is going down the drain. He has no real friendship with anyone, because they all continuously stab each others back. He has no real relationship, because all he cares about is getting high and getting laid. He is going no where and it's pretty sad. Ask him about this and his response is always that he doesn't give a shit. All he cares about is feeling good. I may be crazy and pointless but this bastard swears that he doesn't care about me anymore, yet he won't let it go. He keeps telling grade 12s that we meet in secret and that i'm like this little mistress of his?? At first I just thought that was so stupid that it was actually kinda funny. But now it's just stupid. If his life is as good as he claims it is, why does he have to make stuff up? Whatever. Piece of junk.
I've gotta go to work soon. My mom just went to get food. I'm kinda hungry. I would talk about daniel now because he's my darling but I can't because he might read it and that's cheating. tisk tisk.
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[08 Nov 2003|08:28pm] |
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I don't even know what to write. I seriously forgot how to keep a journal. I'm a piece of junk I know I am. It sucks when you don't update for so long. I'm behind in reading everyone's entries so I have no clue what's going on with you guys. And lotsa stuff has happened with me, and there's so much to say that I just don't wanna say anything. i will one day, but not today
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[24 Oct 2003|11:17pm] |
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music |
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Led Zeppelin- Black Dog |
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holy i haven't updated in a long while. I'm getting bad at this I know. **sorry** I'm at my sisters and about to go to sleep but I remembered my neglected journal so decided to update. So quite a lot of stuff has happened. I'm not mad. I always wonder if there's ever been a perfect family. I was mad. But I'm not now. Because I can understand. I know that when people lose something close to them they can never be the same again. I know that once you've been hit right in that soft spot of your heart- that you can't even talk about it with a single person, because you're so unstable. You can't sleep. You don't even wanna talk. You just wanna bury your face in the arms of someone and cry until the tears stop. But instead we all carried on empty inside, but went and cried alone behind closed doors. We fled from each other in an attempt to save our sanity but of course we got it wrong. If we had wanted to keep our sanity, we would have came together. But time can't be rewound and what's done is done. Each of us has been really damaged. Imagine, all 4 of us think about that same thing every day, that same thing that hangs heavy on our hearts everyday- but we will never talk to each other about it. We will sit at the table and eat dinner and when it gets quiet, and we look at each other, we have that look in our eyes. We all know what the others are thinking but noone dares say a word. We just let it build up inside and let it out in other ways, that are sometimes hurtful. But I guess some of us don't know how to let it out any other way. That's why I understand and I'm not mad at her. I think maybe we need space. I don't know what to do. I just want things to be better and I hope I don't make anymore bad decisions.
I was talking to my little nephew and we somehow got on the topic of church, and he said something along the lines that I don't believe in God because I don't go to church on sunday morning. Maybe people don't really think I'm religious because I don't go to church often at all, and I swear a lot. I stopped going to church a while ago. Maybe a year ago, I tried turning to church as a refuge but it wasn't for me. Those people had nothing to offer but sympathy, and that's something that I hate. Anyways, just cuz the church isn't my sunday hangout spot doesn't mean that I'm not spirtitual. I've questioned religion and thought about how naive we can be, to just follow blindly like most of us do. But then the other part of me would just be ashamed that I couldn't just have faith and not have to question and analyze everything all the time. I really don't know exactly what I believe in, but I know that I do believe in angels. I think each of us have an angel. My angel is the one I talk to everyday. I need that angel to remind me why I'm here and she's not, because I always think she would do a much better job in this world than I ever would.
I know I'm rambling about really vague and random stuff but I just need this therapy today. I've had a bit of a rude awakening today, and I've had to re-prioritize, again. I've been sad and worried about stupid things lately. Boy things. A boy who could never understand the most important thing about me that I hide from everyone. I thought to myself today that I may not be an amazing person, but that I deserve someone who I could tell everything to and that he would understand, and not disregard it. Hopefully this time it's for real. I'm gonna forget him. Seeing his face or hearing his voice will not turn everything upside down again because I won't let it. Maybe a part of me will always "love" him, but he couldn't be there for me the way I needed him to, and I will never forget that, and never let it go. He can go on with his life, and do what he wants, because I don't care anymore. I'm tired of trying for something that I don't even want. There are much more important things for me to worry about and other people more worthy of my time than he is. I miss you c. Me and diane had a good talk today.
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| tank u, tank u berry much |
[13 Oct 2003|12:31am] |
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music |
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Silverchair - Without You |
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Glow in the dark golfing was fun and richie kept touching me... anyways, decided to make a list of stuff I'm thankful for since i'm often really negative, it's time to be positive! whoo pee! This is not in any order but just in the order that things pop up in my head..
Audrey
My family- carly
Lillix Lillix Lillix
guitars
Buffy
guitar strings
music
fish
guitar picks
photographs
food
chocolate
The Beatles
makeup (specifically eyeliner and mascara)
no doubt
flowers
Natalie Imbruglia
amps
long phonecalls/emails
the internet/msn/lj
Nickelback
sexy Chad
Weezer
peroxide
belts
heritage house
elmo
vocals class
soccer
volleyball
sunglasses
guitar talk
josie and the pussycats
oxygen?
pinstripe pants
rings
Much Music
biology class
there's got to be so much more, i'm just having a writer's block i know it! and all u guys taking the time to read this put ur name right here __________________
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| Kickin' your ass would be a pleasure |
[11 Oct 2003|02:32pm] |
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music |
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Nickelback - Never Again |
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3 days til my bday :D Not that anyone will remember or care or anything like that..
Why the hell do people have to write songs in alternate tunings. I hate changing tunings, it's a pain in the ass. If any fellow geetar players have any tips on changing from standard to drop D and drop C lemme know because I must be doing something wrong since no1 else complains as much as me about changing tunings. Oh and another guitar-related thing: i'm starting to save up for my next guitar. I don't know if I should go for another electric (a white LP), or since I just got the electric guitar of my dreams this summmer, go for an electro-acoustic takemine? (black with a cutaway of course)
You know one thing that I'm starting to notice a lot in guys.. their voices. I love guys with deep scratchy voices. It's hawt. I know so many guys with soft voices and I just find it kinda weird. I seriously know guys with voices softer than most girls. It's so hard to explain but I just like a guy with a nice manly voice that I could listen to on the phone all night.. that would be sick hhaha.
Well I still didn't get my stupid honour roll award. I couldn't go to the ceremony cuz they really needed me to work that day, and to me feeding the elderly is more important than sitting down for an hour and 29 minutes while the other minute consists of me walking up to the stage as they say my name wrong and hand out the crappy award that is "so honourable to receive" to like 80 other people. I didn't even think to go get it at the office but my mom found the letter and is nagging me to get it. But I don't want to go to the office because some bitch teacher will probably see me and get me suspended for not having the right pants. I've had a few close calls and going to the office is just ASKING for it. I hate having to wear uniforms. I wish I could go to a public school but my parents won't consider it. I guess uniforms aren't so bad since you don't have to worry about what to wear in the morning, but when you have to be that strict about the exact clothes the students are wearing, then you're caring about the wrong things. Still, I can't risk missing 2 days of school.. I wouldn't catch up for a week.
Ok i don't know what else to say cuz I suck and I have to go fix my hair and pick out some clothes for mini golfing tonight... BYE
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[08 Oct 2003|07:38pm] |
Umm I took a picture with my blue contacts... its really blurry cuz my digital camera isn't working so i took it with the webcam, but even with that blurryness, they still look fake.. fucking bastard contact lenses
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| it's aboot time eh guys? |
[07 Oct 2003|09:03pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Nickelback- How You Remind Me/ Sundays- Wild Horses |
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Wow it's been a while since I've done a real update huh? This update is going to be so random and unorganized because I can't write properly after 9.. my mind just goes to bed.
Ok, so besides being a busy madwoman, my computer has been really fsdglkfngorilinsighfdg... so yeah. I didn't update for a long time... sue me! So many things have happened is there any point to go over it? School's not too bad. I hate physics and weight training (except when we do cardio and play football or volleyball, which is funstuff :D), but I love my biology class. Eventhough it's a lot of work it's pretty interesting. And my vocals class is the shit. It's fun eventhough we sometimes have to sing gay songs. We just dance around like nerds and get Mr. Bonifus pissed off, so it's all good times. And I love doing music theory too... haha see how nerdy I am. Mr. Bonifus was correcting my book at lunch and called me in to say he was really impressed with how well I was doing so thats always good to hear something nice for a change. Oh yeah, and the only good thing about my physics class is darling DANIEL!
I am growing my eyebrows to reshape them and they feel like hairy werewolves. Eww eww eww!! Hahah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ailing talked to john mayer!! Lucky ducky! Me and Ailing agreed to tap any guy that plays guitar right? That's hawt...
This is one of the few days I have off and I just moped around and did nothing. Played guitar, did homework, talked to pee-opple. I wanted to go to the mall but I was too lazy. I really need to go shopping this week, BADLY. Anna and edyta were going after school, so they said I could go but I didn't have my money on me and they were leaving right after school. But I definitely need to go this week to pick up at least one or 2 new tops.
Oh yeah, Nemo died, poor little guy :( R.I.P. brotha.
The Mike Situation? Well, we didn't even break up. It's just the weirdest it's ever been. We stopped talking for sooo long. We haven't talked for about 5 weeks.. so even though we didn't officialy break up, we're obviously not together. He's Mr. Party Man now, so I don't even want to think about how many girls he's hooked up with since then. I'm fine without him, which is the first time I've been able to say this to myself for real. We've been together so many times. There was one summer that was one of the best summers of my life because of him and it was just perfect. I guess in that moment in time we were just right for each other. But nothing ever stays the same. That ended. Then everytime we got together again it was worse and worse. I guess I just needed to be with him that one last time to justify that it wasn't gonna work. We've grown apart and have become so incompatible. So I think this time is the end for real. Now I can let go of him without being so sad and crying, but just accepting it. All this time I thought I liked him but I didn't, the old girl in me was just reminiscing over the boy that Mike used to be. I guess we both realized this in our own way, and it was just fitting that there was no official breakup. It's like we were childhood sweethearts and we're just gonna leave it there and not spoil it. How corny. Hahaha... yeah but partying every other night, smoking cigarettes, getting high and getting drunk everyday is not the guy I used to know, and definitely not the guy I want to be with. I know I'm rambling sooo badly on this but I just wanna get it out.
Now I feel like watching Buffy, look what you did!
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| anybody home? |
[29 Sep 2003|05:20pm] |
Hey guys ....
long time no write?? I'm thinkin about maybe get back to updating, but only if you guys miss me enough.... ?
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| HELP |
[30 Aug 2003|11:02pm] |
Do any of you colour/bleach your hair blonde? I really need some help if you know anything about root touch ups and stuff, plz leave me ur aim or msn or something ....
HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP
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| *Tonight, Could I be lost forever?* |
[23 Aug 2003|01:03am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Natalie Imbruglia White Lilies Island album |
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Here it comes again
You raise the bar even higher
I cannot catch my breath
So throw the
Beauty on the fire
Don't push too hard
Limitaion scars - Beauty on the Fire
Well I have sorta continued to be kinda a mess these past couple of days. I haven't really done anything besides the "required stay alive" things such as sleep, eat, work and play guitar.
I have also re discovered Natalie Imbruglia. I know she's not that popular around here but she is the most amazing song writer. All of her songs are so good. They always leave me saying that I wish I wrote that. So I've been learning and re-learning some of her songs. I highly recommend any of you who are looking for some new songs to try getting her songs Satellite and Do You Love. I must have been 12 years old, when my aunt visiting from portugal got the cd Left of the Middle for me. It was sucha huge influence on me lyrically. White Lilies Island is also and amazing lyrical album, but she also showed an amazing improvement melody-wise. She is just incredible. Those australian people are the best.
Her music has helped me a bit these days. I'm sort of in a dazed observation mode. I feel like I can't feel. Is that a contradiction>? I dunno but I know I've really been avoiding people. Mike has called a few times and I wouldn't answer. I can't see him now, not like this. I know he won't care or understand why I feel so shitty and under the weather, and I don't wanna be hurt by his un-understandableness because I don't need relationship drama right now. I'd rather fight my demons on my own.
And I'm sad, sad, sad
Small, alone, scared
Craving purity
A fragile mind and
A gentle spirit -That Day (moment of clarity)
I wonder why I have to think so much. Why couldn't I be as careless as the rest of the people around here. I mean, yes... there's so much I don't know and they could all secretly cry themselves to sleep at night, but that's not likely. They're too wrapped up in their fancy, futureless lives to feel that way. My obsessive compulsive nature and over-analyzation of people is what drives me crazy. And using so many words that are not even in the dictionary.
I feel like I'm trapped in a cage, and I'm starting to see that the person who trapped myself in here was me.
Why is it that some people become everything they want to be, while others just succumb to a useless existance?
So many questions go through my head and I can't shut them out. I don't know the answers and I don't want to have to try and figure them out anymore. I can't pull myself together. I just wanna be happy and accepting that no one's perfect. THat I'm not perfect. We all make mistakes. And that it's okay to not know the answers to everything.
Clarity. That's what I fucking need. Clarity. I'm trying hard to get it but I can't. And while I'm in search of it, I'm losing my friends. I'm loosing my boyfriend. They're all slipping away and it's my fault and I don't care right now but I know I will kick myself for it later. Does anyone know if they sell clarity in a bottle or something cuz I can't seem to find it.
I guess writing this out has sorta made me feel better. Cleared up my head a bit. I guess I'll go play guitar now. Music my one and only refuge.
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